I knew I had to change how I connected with families when I saw how stressed they were. I remember sitting in a living room once, looking around and thinking, “Everyone in this room is on the edge… and I might actually be making it worse.”
In the early days, I thought the way to show I cared was to match their emotion. So if they were upset, I’d go in really softly, really intensely, asking lots of deep questions, sharing bits of my own story to show I understood. My heart was in the right place, but you could almost see people tightening as I spoke. They were already exhausted, and I was unknowingly adding another emotional layer on top.
One family in particular sticks with me. I walked out of the house and realised I felt completely drained, and they looked more tense at the end of the visit than they had at the start. That was the moment I thought, “This isn’t working. I’m pouring everything out, and it’s not actually helping them feel any safer or calmer.”
Over time, I realised it wasn’t that personal storytelling was the problem – it was how I was using it. I was dropping in my own experiences almost as a reflex, rather than asking, “Does this actually serve them right now?” Once I started being more deliberate, everything changed. Instead of a long story about my life, it became a single, well-chosen line that opened a door for them.
For example, rather than, “When my relative died, I…” for five minutes, I’d simply say, “I remember how overwhelming it felt trying to capture someone in a few paragraphs – so we’ll take this slowly.” That tiny bit of personal insight tells them I get it, but it doesn’t hand them my emotional baggage as well. It creates connection without adding weight.
When I began using my own stories like that – as gentle bridges, not centrepieces – I noticed families relaxing much more quickly. They laughed more. They opened up more. The planning meetings felt lighter, and the ceremonies themselves went deeper, because we’d built rapport without exhausting anyone in the process.
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed trying to connect, or worried you’re saying too much or too little, you’re not alone. It’s a skill you can learn, and it makes a huge difference to both you and the families you serve.
If you've ever felt overwhelmed trying to connect, share your experience below.
